the nightingale
by alice hattercandy
Summary: Who would have thought that Ichigo like daisies and ...Little Mermaid?


I must warn you.

This is CRACK. Forgive me if I slandered Ichigo. XD Review if you have time. And oh, standard disclaimer applied. I apologized, Kubo. But BLEACH had been _cracked._

Enjoy!

_.

* * *

**the nightingale**

* * *

because he is _the_ sun.

**a.**

Midnight. Fifteen minutes after midnight.

Inside a dark room, a phone rang. It pierced the silence. The lump on the bed moved and a head poked out of the thick blanket. The phone continued to wreck noise. A thin arm moved out of the cocoon, reaching for the noisy device. It was dark, so the hand kept missing. As the pale, slender hand moved frantically, it hit the ringing device and the receiver fell on the floor.

"Oh dear…" The voice belonged to a woman. Soft, small. Kicking off the thick blanket, she scrambled off the bed to pick up the receiver; however, she lost her balance due to the knots around her ankles and hit the floor face first. "Ow!" With blind sweeps of her arms, she located the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Aha! Inoue-chan!"

Orihime blinked in the darkness. "Urahara-san?"

"SHE'S NOT INOUE-CHAN! _KUROSAKI-CHAN!_ SHE'S KUROSAKI-CHAN GOT IT?" There was a shout in the background.

Gray eyes widened. "I…Ichigo-kun?"

"Yup. It's your husband. Yelling in the background." Urahara giggled.

"What happened? Is he hurt?"

"Hurt?" laughed Urahara. "Please, listen carefully, Inoue-chan—"

"I SAID SHE'S NOT INOUE-CHAN! SHE'S KUROSAKI-CHAN!"

Orihime sighed, relieved. "Oh. He sounds okay… wait! Is he… _drunk?_"

"Um…"

"Urahara-san!"

"Well…"

"UNDER THE SEAAAA, UNDER THE SEAAAA, DARLINGGGG IT'S BETTER!"

Orihime blushed. "Ano… Urahara-san…"

"GIVE ME THE PHONE!" There was a scuffle for the receiver as Urahara and Kurosaki fought. "GIVE ME THE PHONE! SHE HAS TO LISTEEEN… Hello? Hello? Hime? _Hime?_ Ohh, Kurosaki-chaaan, I have a love song for you…" Orihime blushed heavily at her husband's slurring, sexy voice. "You've got to listen, okay! YOU HAVE TO, PLEASE!" It sounded like a plea at the same time, a command.

"Ichi—"

"Under the seaaaa! Under the seaaaa! Darling it's better! Down where it's wetter! Take it from meeeeee…!"

No matter how much she loved her husband, Orihime pulled the receiver away from her ear, wincing at the loud, yelling voice of Ichigo.

"…Up on the shore they work all day! Out in the sun they slave away! While we— Hime? Hime? Are you listening? HIME!"

She opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted as Ichigo screamed from the other line. "Oh my god! Noooo! Hime! Hime, are you alright? Did the aliens abduct you? Urahara-san, oi, _you fucking listen to me, old man! _Something happened to my wife! She's not answering! Hime-chan? Kurosaki-chan? Noooooo! HIME! HIME!— _please, calm down, Kurosaki-san. Give me the phone— _NO! HIME! Are you okay? _Are you okay? _HIME! Someone stole my hime!"

Orihime pressed a palm on her warm face. _Oh Ichigo-kun…_ "Ichigo-kun… I'm fine."

"SOMEONE STOLE MY KUROSAKI-CHAN—"

"Shut the fuck up, you retard!" It was Jinta's voice in the background. "For retard's sake, whoa— _stop slobbering over the phone!_"

"Ichigo-kun!"

There was another scuffle, punctuated by _No! Hime! Hime! I'll save you! I'll go bankai—_ _the hell, KUROSAKI, get a hold of yourself, Sado, restrain him!— NOOOOO HIME! I'LL SAVE YOU! I'LL SAVE YOU FROM LITTLE BLUE ME— _I said, _get a— _Orihime winced at the barrage of shouts coming from the other line.

"Hello? Hello? Orihime? This is Uryu."

"Hai, Ishida-kun. Is Ichi alright?"

The Quincy snorted. "He's gone insane."

"_I'LL SAVE YOU PRINCESS! I'LL SAVE YOUUU—_ Sado, hurt him."

"No! Ishida-kun, please, don't hurt Ichi!"

"_I'VE GOT TO SAVE HIME! ZANGETSU, CAN YOU HEAR ME? BANKAI!"_

"KUROSAKI!" Orihime heard Ishida yell. She sighed deeply.

"Ishida-kun, I'm coming over, okay?"

"You don't have to. It's midnight—"

"No, no. It's okay. I'll come and pick him up."

"_UNDER THE SEAAAAA… UNDER THE SEAAAA—"_

Thud.

Orihime gripped the receiver tighter. "Ishida-kun …?"

"He's fine. Sado slammed him against a wall."

**b.**

She arrived 30 minutes after in front of Urahara Shoten. Orihime turned off the car's engine, pulled out the key, stepped out of the vehicle and closed the door. There were noises coming out of the store. She smiled widely at the sound of yelling and singing. Earlier, Ichigo asked for her permission to go to Urahara Shoten.

"_They said about celebrating Renji's promotion."_

"_Oh! He's a… captain? Sugoi!"_

"_No." Ichigo grinned. "He's a man now, Orihime."_

_She blinked, oblivious. "But… Renji-kun's…" Ichigo just put a hand on top of her head. His other hand cupped her cheek._

"_It's nothing to worry about, Hime," he said, still grinning. He didn't want to explain the gory details of Renji's 'promotion'. His pretty wife smiled at him brightly._

"_Okay. If you say so."_

He had expressed that he didn't want to go and leave her alone, but she assured him that she will be fine. He still frowned, still worried, but she smiled and promised that she will stay inside the house and not go out to look for aliens and red bean pancakes.

"_Alright." He narrowed his eyes. "Call me if something goes wrong. Call me ASAP."_

"_Yes."_

"_I taught you how to use your cell phone, didn't I?"_

"_Yes."_

"_I programmed this already. Just press 1."_

_Orihime smiled. "You worry too much."_

"_Of course, I do. I don't like leaving you alone. You might slip and fall or worst break a bone."_

"_I don't slip and fall!" He raised a brow. Orihime blushed brightly. "Okay… I do. But, Ichi—" He interrupted her with a kiss._

"_Call me." He whispered firmly against her lips._

"_I will."_

But it looked like he was the _one _who needed _her _help.

As Orihime walked closer, the noise got louder. She managed to distinguish Ichigo's voice. And he was _singing._

"Stop right now! Thank you very muuuuch!"

Orihime giggled softly behind her hand.

"I need somebody with the human touch! Hey you! You always on the run, gotta slow down baby, got have some fuu—" The singing stopped abruptly.

Orihime raised a fist to knock, but before she could do so, the sliding door slid open roughly. She stepped back in surprise. It wasn't Urahara-san.

"KUROSAKI-CHAN!"

Orihime cringed at the volume of her husband's voice. She looked up to her tall, tall husband. "Ichi…" She waved a hand. "Hello. Are you okay?" He was very red, and he looked unstable on his feet. His eyes were hooded. Orihime blushed when his red face broke into a large grin that only _Kon _would sport on. When he raised his strong arms in the air and jumped _happily_ at the sight of her, Orihime's eyes widened.

"I AM HERE KUROSAKI-CHAN! WORRY NOT FOR I HAVE ARRIVED!"

But… she was the _one _who arrived, right?

Ishida and Chad appeared behind her husband. Ishida wore a disgusted face, while Chad remained calm. Orihime smiled and gave a simple wave. "Thank you for looking after my husband."

Ishida snorted. "He's a migraine." The Quincy grumbled.

Chad gave a thumb's up sign. Orihime giggled. The three watched Ichigo mumble mumbo-jumbo under his breath, while laughing to himself. Orihime approached him and touched his arm.

"Ichigo-kun, let's go home."

He grinned at her. "OF COURSE! JUMP INTO MY ARMS! I SHALL CARRY YOU HOME!"

The three sweat-dropped. "Um, I brought the car, so it's okay. You don't have to carry me."

"BUT… BUT… KUROSAKI-CHAN! MY ARMS ARE STRONG!" He flexed his arm to show her his bulging muscles. "I SHALL PROTECT YOU FROM THE DAISIES!"

Ishida, Chad and Orihime stared.

Daisies?

"SO FEAR NOT!" Orihime squeaked and blushed heavily as Ichigo wrapped his arms around her. One hand was on her cheek and hair. "I WILL PROTECT YOU, PRINCESS!"

Ishida shook his head. A scream came from inside the shop.

"Ow! Ow! _Ow!_ Stop it! Quit pulling my hair!"

"YOU IDIOT! YOU GOT DRUNK! WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO SOUL SOCIETY _NOW!"_

"Is that…" Orihime mumbled, blinking repeatedly, still in Ichigo's arms, while he rubbed his cheek on her hair, singing. Or _yelling _a song. "…Rukia-chan?"

"MOVE YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW OR I'LL BURN YOUR HAIR!"

Orihime giggled. "Oh yes… That's right. It's Rukia-chan."

"I'm moving, I'm moving— _stop pulling my hair!_"

There were heavy thuds and bam-bam-bam noises. Later on, Rukia appeared, Renji behind her, her hand on his hair. "Ah? Orihime!" The auburn-haired young woman, who was wrapped up in Ichigo's arms, smiled and gave an awkward wave. Her arms were trapped beside her.

"Rukia-chan, how are you?"

Rukia scoffed. "I am mad as hell! This idiot sneaked out of Soul Society to get drunk! He didn't even _ask_ for my permission to—" She stopped and frowned. "Can you still breathe, Orihime?" Her auburn-haired friend looked so small inside Ichigo's arms. She almost disappeared inside the idiot's embrace.

"Oh! I'm fine! I'm fine… Ichigo-kun's sound very happy, isn't he? I didn't know he can sing… and… Um, Rukia-chan?" The gray-eyed woman watched her female shinigami friend marched towards her and Ichigo, not letting go of Renji's hair.

"Oi, Rukia! What the hell! Let go of my damned hair! _Ouch!_"

To Ishida, Chad and Orihime's amazement, Rukia managed to give Ichigo a flying kick on the _face _while keeping a steely tight grip on Renji's hair. Ichigo's head merely tilted back, and then bounced forward, still singing. Meanwhile, Renji gave a high-pitched scream as he felt a violent tug on his hair.

"Goddamned woman… You're going to kill me!" he cried out, his eyes teary.

"SHUT UP, ICHIGO! Quit hollering your damn song!" shouted Rukia. But the substitute continued singing, now twirling Orihime in his arms.

Orihime sweat-dropped, giggling. "Ano… It's okay. Oh, Renji-kun… Ano, Rukia-chan, Renji-kun's…"

"Blah! Don't worry about that blasted idiot! Anyway, we have to go! Nii-sama doesn't know I left and I will make sure this moron will get a severe punishment from Nii-sama!"

"Rukia!"

"SHUT UP! YOU DON'T HAVE PERMISSION TO TALK!" Rukia smiled gently at Orihime. "I'll see you some other time, Orihime!"

"Be careful, Rukia-chan! Good bye, Renji-kun!"

**c.**

"Now, what?" Ishida sighed, watching Ichigo. "He looked unaffected by Kuchiki-san's kick." He looked at Chad. "Maybe you _can_ deliver the finishing blow, Sado-kun?"

"Waaah! No! No! Please, don't hurt him!" Orihime said, her voice muffled against Ichigo's neck where the orange-haired man kept her face buried. She turned her head around with difficulty to look up to her husband, who, sadly, continued singing.

"Popopopoker face!"

They sighed.

"Ichigo? Ichi?"

"Popopopoker face!"

"Ichigo-kun!" Orihime said loudly. The substitute blinked and stared at her. He grinned.

"Yes, Kurosaki-chan? You like Under the Sea better? I can sing it for you!"

"No, no. Let's go home. Aren't you tired?"

Ichigo replied by squeezing her, crushing her closer to his hard body, making her blushed so hard. "NO! I feel fine! I feel great! I feel like I can conquer the world! So let's conquer it together, Kurosaki-chan!"

"Ichigo-kun… You need sleep. Come on. Let's go home."

He smiled at her _sweetly._ Ishida and Chad cringed, looking away.

"IF YOU SAY SO!"

Ishida will _never _let Kurosaki touch alcohol. Ever. The horror was enough to scar him for life. The orange punk still had his arms around Orhime but they were not tight like before. His face was buried on his wife's thick hair, his arms around her head. Orihime was patting his arms, asking him if he was alright. Apparently, the punk grew tired. _Finally._ Ishida shook his head.

"Do you need help?" the Quincy asked.

Orihime turned her head to look at him. "Ah, thank you for the offer but I can manage." She patted Ichigo at one of his arms. "We're going home, Ichigo-kun. Say bye to your friends." The man obediently lifted his face from her hair. With a goofy, wide smile (again, Ishida and Chad cringed), he said good bye.

"Bye!"

Ishida pushed up his glasses. "I felt a shiver down my spine."

"But Ichigo looks adorable," Chad said.

Ishida's jaw dropped in shock as he looked up to his tall friend. "Are _you insane?_"

Chad gave him a thumb's up sign.

**d.**

Orihime pulled Ichigo towards their car after saying their goodbyes. He was heavy, but Orihime managed to half-dragged him while he sang.

"Ah, Kurosaki-chan…" He pressed his large hand on Orihime's cheek and kissed her other cheek audibly. "I love youuu veryyy mucccch, Kurosaki-chaaaan!" Ichigo sang, wrapping his arms around Orihime's neck. The young woman's face went very red, stammering, embarrassed.

"Ichi… Ichigo-kun!"

"I love you! I love youuuu!" he said repeatedly while kissing her cheek with smacking noises. Orihime whimpered at the assault of wet kisses. The drunken man even squeezed her while shaking her from side to side.

"Ano… Ichi…"

"ZANGETSU!" He suddenly screamed.

Orihime heard Ishida and Chad hurrying out of the shop.

"BANKAI!"

"YOU IDIOT!" Ishida hollered. Chad reached the couple first, and with his fist punched the back of Ichigo's head. The substitute stopped screaming ("BANKAI! BANKAI!" while swinging an invisible zanpakuto) and fell forward like a log.

"Ichigo!" cried Orihime. He was out cold.

"I'm sorry, Orihime," Chad said. Orihime smiled sheepishly.

"It's okay, Sado-kun. Maybe… this is better."

Chad showed another thumb's up, bent down, grabbed the back of Ichigo's shirt and pulled him up. Orihime gasped as she watched Chad carried her husband like a plastic of grocery. The half-Mexican, half-Japanese turned to him. "Can you open the trunk?"

Orihime jerked. "No! Ah, I mean, please place Ichi on the passenger seat, Sado-kun. Thank you." She exhaled. "Thank you so much, Sado-kun, Ishida-kun. Wait, do you want me to give you a ride, Sado-kun? Ishida-kun?"

Chad flashed a thumb's up sign. Ishida shook his head.

"Don't bother. Drive safely." Ishida advised. Orihime smiled and bowed.

"Thank you!"

**e.**

After almost an hour of pulling and pushing, Orihime managed to bring Ichigo into their bedroom and onto the bed. After taking off his Chucks and socks, Orihime sat on the floor, panting softly.

_Oh dear! Ichigo-kun's got heavier! _Still squatting on the floor, she peeked at her husband's snoring face. The woman grinned to herself. _Ichi looks so adorable!_ He turned in his sleep, arm swinging forward. His face scrunched, brows wrinkling as his hand move, looking for something. The frown deepened, the arm moved faster.

"Hime…"

Orihime blinked. Quickly, she thrust her hand forward and caught his. "I'm here." Ichigo visibly relaxed, gripping her hand tightly that Orihime winced. Getting off the floor, without changing clothes, she slipped in beside her husband and placed an arm on top of his stomach. Eyelids dropped close.

"Goodnight, Ichi."

She was responded with arms wrapping around her head and shoulders. Orihime giggled at his protectiveness.

**f.**

When he woke up, it was past nine o'clock in the morning.

When he woke up, his head felt like it will explode to smithereens.

"Damn it."

Ichigo cursed vehemently, lifting a hand to rub his eyes. What an annoying headache. He rolled to his stomach, a hand clutching his hair.

"Ah, shit…"

"A headache, Ichigo-kun?"

The orange-haired young man blinked. He turned his head around atop the pillow. "Hime." Orihime smiled widely, bending down to kiss his cheek.

"Good morning." She said softly. Ichigo stared at the thick tresses of auburn-orange that touched his face. He blinked and the strands were gone.

"Yeah…" He watched her intensely. Orihime noticed the stare.

"What's wrong?"

Ichigo blushed and pressed his face deeper onto the pillow. "Nothing…" he averted his gaze.

"Ichi…"

He twitched at the way she called him. "Who brought me home?"

His wife blinked. "I did." Ichigo's eyes widened. Orihime titled her head to the side. "Oh, you don't remember?"

He looked at her, slightly alarmed. "Do I have to remember _something_?" asked Ichigo tensely.

"Ah-huh."

As though electrocuted, Ichigo sat up, reaching for her arm. "What is it? Did I hurt someone? _God, _did I hurt you?" He will _never _forgive himself if he laid a hand on his beautiful wife. Damn, he'd stab himself. A million times. And he will not stop, ever.

His wife patted his arm to calm him. "No." She shoved her bottom lip forward. "Maybe you did."

"What?" Ichigo pulled Orihime down to their bed and took hold of her shoulders, wincing at the splitting headache. "Hime, where did I—"

She grinned at him widely, brightly, her smile dreamy. "Oh, Ichi… I didn't know you _liked_ Little Mermaid."

Ichigo blinked at her blankly. "What?"

Orihime leaned forward and kissed his cheek again, a hand on his shoulder. She ran her hand through his wild spiky orange hair she loved so much, and kissed him again, this time, on the lips. Ichigo put a hand at the back of her head and kissed her back, his palm resting on her smooth cheek.

"I didn't hurt you or anything?" he whispered against her lips. She giggled.

"Hmm, you embraced me really hard, kissed my cheek a _lot _and…" her gray eyes twinkled happily. "…you sang me a love song."

Ichigo was dumbfounded. "W-what…?"

What love song? _Love song? _He… _love song?_

"Oh dear," murmured Orihime, pouting. "You don't remember anything last night?"

Ichigo was starting to get nervous. Oh damn, what did he _do _last night? Please, _please_. Somebody, _please _tell him he didn't do anything stupid.

Like hugging Renji.

Or Ishida. Maybe he'd like hugging Chad. The giant's his best buddy, after all. But, please, _not _Renji. Not that barking monkey.

"Even the _daisies_?"

He stared at her pretty face. "What… daisies?"

Orihime pouted and crossed her arms under her ample breasts. "That's sad! When you sang last night, I felt so proud of you! And I love you even more! Hmm, oh! Ishida-kun came and told me to give something to you. Maybe that will help you remember!" She gently pried his hands off her hair and face, and exited their room to retrieve something in the kitchen. Ichigo was left to ponder, blanket and pillows scattered around him.

_What did I do? _He brooded. _I hope I did something cool. Like punching Renji or Ishida. _He scratched the back of his head. His hair was growing longer. _Maybe I ought to get a haircut. I'll ask Hime later._ Ichigo swung his long legs over the edge of the table, noticing for the first time that he still wore his shirt and washed-out jeans from last night. His nose wrinkled.

_Damn. I stink._

He pulled off his shirt, at the same time, Orihime arrived. He heard a vague squeal. He tossed the shirt to the side. "Oi, Hime." His wife was very red, stuttering, her lips in an embarrassed wince. She was looking anywhere but him. Ichigo smirked, amused. "Come on. You've seen so much more, eh?"

"Ichigo-kun!" was her indignant cry.

"Yeah, yeah. What is it?" He motioned her to come closer. Pouting, his wife walked closer, still blushing, averting her gaze from the wide, strong expanse of Ichigo's shoulders, his chest, his arms…

_Kyaaa!_ Orihime shook her head and blushed more when Ichigo grinned smugly. "Here it is." She shoved the envelope forward. "Ishida-kun came around seven and told me to give this to you."

"Did he say anything else?" asked Ichigo, studying the object suspiciously.

Orihime puckered her mouth, poking her cheek, thinking. "Oh! He said," she dropped her voice and mimicked Ishida's voice, "'eliminating the evidences is useless, Kurosaki. I have extras. Lots of extras.' That's what he said."

Ichigo merely raised his brow. _Smartass. _"Okay…" He ripped off the flap and shoved a hand inside the envelope. There were several papers inside. Glossy papers. Frowning in confusion, he tipped the contents onto the bed.

What he saw drained the color he had on his face.

His jaw dropped in horror.

Orihime clapped enthusiastically. "Oh! Pictures!" She bent down and grabbed some for closer inspection. She was squealing in delight, saying how cute and adorable he was.

There was a small note among the photographs. Ichigo picked this up.

_Ha. I didn't know you liked The Little Mermaid and Spice Girls, Kurosaki._

Little Mermaid.

And everything… _everything _came back to him.

Kurosaki-chan.

The daisies.

Bankai.

Poker face.

…Under the sea.

The _daisies._

Ichigo was frozen, like a rock.

"Ohhh! This is _so _cute! Look, Ichigo-kun! You and Renji-kun… _hugging_!"

…

…

…

"I'LL KILL YOU, ISHIDA!"


End file.
